UNWELCOME You slide forwards a few paces, catching yourself as it rolls. Scalpels and various instruments clatter as you grip the cart closer as if it were a walker. The fumes are so overwhelming, you could throw up and the scent of your own vomit could even everything out. Your hands feel warm, tingly. So you look down. A puddle of scarlet grows on the cold surface of the cart. When did you-
You bite your tongue as your stomach turns, choking back bile as your blood- your blood it... Squirms. The florescent light above your head flickers, on and off. the corners of your vision blur and you stumble backwards into the doorway, pushing and sending the cart flying. Because for a second, a split second, it had looked like your own blood was trying to crawl back up your arm.
The cart crashes into an island in the room, clanging onto the floor. The darkness of the doorway is comforting. You don’t have to be in this room anymore, you can make your escape- slip away before the rest of this plays out. But it rejects you. The door swings, slamming against your back and sending you tumbling forwards. You hit the floor so hard your face cracks, scarlet writhes around in the outskirts of your vision. The light above your head crackles and falls a few inches outside of its socket, hanging by a thready wire. You can feel the current, all of your hairs stand on end as the room swirls. Black, white, red, black, white, and red again. An endless loop.
The red stretches further and further towards you, like millions of small red maggots. You try to slide back, but it twists around your ankles, it slides up your back and around your shoulders. It digs into the sides of your cheeks. The red squirms warm and hot against your ears, cold and wet against your lips, twitches and pulses against the inner and outer corners of your eyes. It pushes in, deeper and deeper. Pressure pulses all throughout your body. Your lungs are full, but you feel like you can’t breathe. Your throat is stretched open, but You cannot make a sound.
The room echoes around you
‘its your fault
all your fault.
You did this.
You did it to him.’
The light bursts, and the glass patters against the cold floor. The darkness squeezes you until you ache. Your blood squirms between the layers of your skin, between each muscle, deep in your bones.
It never stops.
And you deserve it.
you know you do.
It was your fault.
Something had stirred her awake, but she wasn’t entirely sure what. Mal blinked a few times, rubbing her eyes and peeking around the dark bedroom. there was nothing she could identify that could’ve woken her up. No random shimmer of light from anywhere and nobody was in here. Mal cupped her ear. No noise either. Ugh… how annoying. She was having a really good dream too, she had made a remote control mechanical goat. It was so cute!
The small girl gripped her blanket and tugged it close, the fresh powdery scent of lavender hit her senses and she buried her face into it flopping back onto her side. Letting out a small murmur as she tried to dose herself with sleepy smells. Mal slowly blinked at the door for a few moments before she shut her eyes.
She swallowed, the dryness of her throat made her grumble and scrunch her nose. Maybe that was it? she couldn’t sleep while thirsty. The small girl slowly slid out of bed, fleece blanket in tow and made her way to the kitchen.
Mal was still getting familiar with the space, everything was fairly big in this kitchen. Being a very small, and very young notail, it was hard to do most things by herself.
That is, without climbing everything.
She skittered up the cabinet, leaving her blanket on the floor. While standing on the counter top, she opened up the cabinet to retrieve a plastic cup. Then shuffled over to get some water from the sink. She nearly slipped, but grabbed onto the top of the faucet, catching herself. Mal looked down at her small paw socks… maybe next time she should take them off before climbing up here. She carefully sat down next to the sink, kicking her legs lightly.
Everyone else was asleep, so Mal very gingerly tapped the faucet, running it quietly. Once her cup was a bit more than half full, she turned it off and started to sip…
A weird noise caught her attention, her antennae twitched, and naturally attempted to amplify the noise to better identify it. The only thing she could pick up, was garbled nonsense. But it was coming from Kat’s room… She placed the cup into the sink, and slid off of the counter. Mal plucked her blanket off of the floor then tip toed her way over to Kat’s room.
Through the door, she could hear a low groan followed by tossing and turning. Mal stood outside, listening a bit longer. It was very light, but she could hear Kat growling, then whimpering, then something between a whimper and a cry… there must be something wrong. So against better judgment, Mal pressed the bottom button on the door panel and silently, it opened for her.
The only thing illuminating the room was a small nightlight of a bird. She blinked and looked up as she saw Captain looming over the bed- Captain was a giant seizing bird that Kat kept as a pet. Apparently she’s had him for a very very long time, since she was little too. He lifted his head, fluffing his feathers and extending his wings in a protective gesture. He stared at Mal for a few moments, before he recognized her and folded his wings back down. His head tilted back to the sleeping girl, who started tossing and turning again…
Mal crept up to the bedside, watching as Kat’s hands tore into her pillow, ripping at it as she fussed in her sleep. The small girl stared on sadly, Cass would have dreams like this. She would fret, wiggle and squirm whenever she would drink. Her hair would be slick against her forehead, sweating in her sleep as her stomach boiled with liquor.
Mal felt really bad. She needed to help somehow. Mal glanced up at Captain, reaching out to him and petting his beak for a few moments. Letting him know she would do her best to help take care of Kat. Mal grabbed onto the side of the bed and pulled herself up, slotting herself beside Kat. Very gently, she pulled Kat’s face mask off. She figured that it couldn’t be very comfortable while she was trying to rest. She placed it on the bedside table and then proceeded to gently smooth Kat’s hair. It was wet and sticky with sweat but still, Mal continued. She gently rolled her thumb over Kat’s cheek before full on petting her, curling close to her. Mal murmured softly to the older girl and Kat’s expression seemed to soften…
There’s a particular gentleness that you miss desperately, in being touched like this. Your dad pulling you close, petting your head. Little hushed giggles as you both talk about the future. He’d push his hand under your face mask, just to roll his thumb over your cheek. To feel your warmth. He would tell you, there were so many things that the both of you could go out and do together. So so many things…
but, this is…
all wrong, isn’t it?
He’ll never do that again.
And you know it.
He’s gone.
He’ll never come back.
Before you were even conscious, you had rolled over on top of Mal- digging your nails into her small wrists. Your face was dark. You stared down at the girl with such a fierceness, burying her small body into the bed with your weight.
The words don’t even come out your mouth.
‘what the fuck are you doing in here?’
The shuddering rasps and growls you emit is enough to convey this feeling as you glare at the small thing beneath you. Mal stares back up, her eyes round and watery. Its the kind of look you had on when your own mother violently rejected you. Little, scared, confused. There’s no trace of guilt in her face, she wasn’t up to anything. But it looks like she’s trying to explain herself? Mal starts and stops, her breath curling in the air. A weak little wave, getting sucked back into the big ocean. Trying to find the words that never come.
it feels like forever...
Your claws digging into Mal’s wrists.
Clenching. Unclenching.
Watching her wince and whimper from the pain.
Her breathing speeding up,
then shuddering out of her weakly.
She flutters her eyes as you hiss through your teeth,
Your breath hot on her face.
You dig your nails in harder,
just to get another reaction out of her.
Even then she shifts under you,
squirming like she’s trying to make you comfortable
even though you’re crushing her.
Your weight making her rasp,
a beautiful, light sound-
like you pinched her throat shut
only a thin stream of air brushing past her vocal cords.
her attempts to breathe only make the air spill out of her..
And still she continues to make room for you.
You press against her harder.
You want to fill up her lungs
You want to be in her skin
in her throat. in her bones.
More than anything you want to
Squirm beneath the surface until you break her.
Something about it feels right, after all...
She deserves this.
…
You have had enough.
You release your grip on Mal’s wrists, and slam your hand down on the back of her neck. Dragging her out of bed and walking her to the door. With a small click, the door opens and you shove her out with all the force you can muster.
The way her small body thumps against the wall, then the floor is... deeply satisfying.
You stare at her for a moment, waiting for her to slip away into the darkness. Before anything else can play out. But the small girl sits up, rubbing her arm then returns the look.
Round and wet,
like a girl who did nothing wrong
and was hurt anyways…
She reaches out towards you
And you reject her.
You manually slam the door and lock her out,
waiting with baited breath until you hear Mal get up.
You bite your lip, trying to keep it in,
until you hear Mal’s door open then close.
Your legs wobble, then you slump against the door- crumpling in on yourself.
Your hands rushing up to your face, replicating the way Mal touched you, the way she had soothed you.
Small fingers against your bare sticky skin.
It doesn’t feel the same when you do it.
You peel strands of hair from your forehead, rasping and weeping into your palms.
You drive everyone away.
But you know you have to.
You ruin everyone.
You ruin everything.
Its your fault.
You deserve this.
The room echoes around you.